ROGERS-ISMS 

SRLF    uoWboy  Philosopher  on 

THE  PEACE 
2  )NFERENCE 


By  Will  Rogers 


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JNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA.  SAN  DIEGO 


3  1822025136086 


Social  Sciences  &  Humanities  Library 

University  of  California,  San  Diego 
Please  Note:  This  item  is  subject  to  recall. 

Date  Due 


MAY    .  o 


Cl  39  (5/97) 


UCSD  Lib. 


ROGERS -ISMS 

The  Cowboy  Philosopher 
on  The  Peace  Conference 


ROGERS-ISMS 

The   Cowboy  Philosopher 
on    The   Peace    Conference 

By  WILL   ROGERS 


Frontispiece  Portrait 


NEW    YORK    :    HARPER    fef 
BROTHERS  :  PUBLISHERS 


ROGERS-ISMS: 
THE  COWBOY  PHILOSOPHER  ON  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCE 

Copyright;    1919,  by  Harper  &  Brothers 

Printed  in  the  United  States  of  America 

Published  May,  1919 

I-T 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher 
on  The  Peace  Conference 


J~N  the  Five  times  I  have  ap- 
-*•  peared  before  President  Wil- 
son I  have  used  dozens  of  these 
same  jokes,  about  him,  And  he 
has  the  best  sense  of  humor  and 
is  the  best  audience  I  ever  played 
too.  Which  bears  out  the  theory 
I  work  on,  That  you  can  always 
joke  about  a  big  Man  that  is 
really  big,  But  dont  ever  kid  about 
the  little  fellow  that  thinks  he  is 
something,  cause  he  will  get  sore 
Thats  why  hes  little, 

W.  R. 


ALIBI 


THERE  is  no  particular  reason  why 
I  should  horn   in   on   you   Public 
with  a  Book,  But  thats  just  when  they 
seem  to  write  them,  When  theres  no 
need  or  reason  for  them, 


The  shorter  white  Paper  gets  the  more 
careless  these  Pen  Hounds  get  with  it, 


All  my  friends  advise  me  to  go  ahead 
Will  and  write  it  cause  you  wont  annoy 
people  with  it  like  these  other  Writers 
do  with  theirs,  Nobody  will  read  yours 


When  a  Guy  has  never  grazed  educa- 
tionally   any   further   than   McGuffeys 
fourth  Reader  his  ravings  aint  liable  to 
[i] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

throw  any  jealous  scare  into  Literary 
Circles, 


Grammar  and  I  get  along  like  a  Russian 
and  a  BathTub, 


In  fact  Americans  are  getting  to  dote 
too  much  on  Grammar  and  Good 
Manners,  They  say  the  most  perfect 
English  in  this  country  is  spoken  in 
Sing  Sing,  And  at  the  Federal  Prison 
in  Atlanta,  They  claim  a  Knife  never 
touched  a  Lip,  So  you  see  where  that 
junk  leads  you  too, 


I  was  going  to  write  a  Book  on  the 
War,  But  I  heard  some  fellow  had 
already  done  it, 


In  fact  I  figure  that  the  fellow  who 
dont  write  on  the  war  will  be  a  novelty, 


The  Peace  Conference 


There  is  so  many  Books  on  the  War  that 
no  two  people  will  have  to  read  the  same 
Book. 


Then  the  War  was  too  serious  a  sub- 
ject I  could  not  write  on  it,  But  the 
Peace  Feast,  That  seemed  to  offer  a 
better  field  for  Humor  provided  you 
stick  to  the  facts, 


I  have  some  inside  facts  procured 
from  the  most  reliable  source,  And  as 
I  dont  want  to  see  the  World  grow  up 
in  ignorance  on  this  historical  subject 
I  would  really  feel  selfish  and  mean  too 
withold  it, 


Heres  how  I  got  it,    There  is  a  fellow 

I  know,  Who  had  a  friend,  And  this 

friends  Sister  had  a  sweetheart  and  he 

was  a  Soldier  in  France  and  his  cousins 

[3] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

pal  was  a  Bunkie  of  Col  Houses  Chouffer, 
The  Col  told  his  Chouffer  So  you  see 
my  information  comes  from  the  same 
place  Pres  Wilsons  does, 


So  Here  Goes  Under  The  Bottom  With 
THE  FIRST  PEACE  BOOK, 


THE 
PEACE   CONFERENCE 


OF  course  this  whole  Peace  Confer- 
ence talk  started  from  the  time  Pres 
Wilson  said  to  Germany  "We  wont  deal 
with  you  as  long  as  you  occupy  invaded 
Territory."  Well  the  Kaiser  come 
right  back  at  him  and  said,  "If  you 
can  show  us  how  we  can  give  it  up  any 
faster  than  we  are  I  wish  you  would 
do  it," 


Now  the  Armistace  was  signed,  and 
Germany  agreed  to  quit  running  at 
eleven  oclock  on  a  certain  day, 


Of  course  we  got  the  word  a  couple  of 
days  before  it  was  really  signed,    Mak- 

ISl 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

ing  everybody  have  TWO  DRUNKS 
where  one  would  have  done  just  as  well, 


It  would  have  been  signed  on  this 
first  day  But  the  German  Generals 
whom  they  sent  out  to  sign  up,  had 
never  been  to  the  front  and  dident  know 
just  where  it  was, 


The  Kaiser  was  on  the  verge  at  one 
time  of  visiting  the  western  front  then 
he  said,  "No  I  will  just  wait  a  few  days 
till  it  comes  to  me," 


Our  Show  was  playing  in  Philadelphia 
when  the  first  Armistace  was  signed, 
(The  one  the  saloon  men  framed  up) 
I  was  a  bit  leary  of  it  all  the  time  as  I 
had  been  there  once  before  when  the 
Union  League  Club  had  paraded  for  a 
Mr  Hughes,  Then  later  they  had  to 
put  the  Parade  back, 
[6] 


The  Peace  Conference 


I  HAD  ALWAYS  BELIEVED  PfllLA  TO 
BE  SLOW  AND  HERE  IT  WAS  2  DAYS 
AHEAD  OF  THE  FACTS 


At  that  time  everybody  wondered 
what  to  do  with  the  Kaiser,  I  thought 
he  should  have  been  brought  to  this 
Country  and  made  to  clean  the  streets 
after  that  first  Armistace  day, 


A  funny  thing  the  Armistace  was 
signed  about  the  time  the  returns  of 
the  last  election  come  in.  The  Germans 
and  the  Democrats  learned  their  fate 
on  the  same  day, 


When  the  war  was  over  the  Kaiser 
called  his  6  sons  to  him  and  said, 
"Now  boys  we  better  duck  Cause  this 
war  is  over  and  you  boys  can  get  hurt 

Now," 

[71 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

The  thing  that  hurt  the  Kaiser  worse 
than  losing  the  war,  Was  that  in  all  the 
Armistace  terms  they  dident  even  men- 
tion his  name, 


Everybody  commence  talking  about 
the  Peace  Conference  and  who  was  to 
go,  Some  Republican  Senators  went 
so  far  as  to  engage  a  lower  birth, 


There  was  so  much  argument  about  who 
was  to  go,  That  Pres  Wilson  says  I  tell 
you  what,  "We  will  split  50-50  I  will 
go  and  you  fellows  can  stay," 


At  last  we  were  going  to  get  even  with 
them  for  all  their  commissions  coming 
over  here, 


You   know  for   a  while   COMMIS- 
SIONS were  coming  so  fast,  That  we 
[8] 


The  Peace  Conference 


were  lucky  to  find  a  fellow  who  knew 
what  Flag  to  put  out  each  day, 


We  were   meeting   Servian   Commissions  with   Romanian 
Flags, 


Of  course  there  were  nations  coming 
at  that  time  who  had  not  enough  to 
support  a  flag,  Thats  why  the  commis- 
sion were  here  to  place  a  Flag  Contract, 


Now  to  get  to  my  Peace  trip,  About 
three  months  are  supposed  to  have 
elapsed  between  the  last  Paragraph  and 
this  one,  All  of  which  time  was  taken  up 
by  Congress  talking,  (see  congressional 
Record)  Finally  Pres  Wilson  got  tired 
listening  to  them  and  walked  out  on 
them, 

If  it  had  not  been  to  get  away  from 
Congress,  I  have  my  doubts  if  he  would 
have  gone  to  Europe, 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Now  for  the  Number  2  Peace  trip. 


This  Peace  trip  is  not  an  original 
Idea,  (It  was  originated  by  some  obscure 
MANAFACTURER  OF  KNICK  NACKS,) 
Name  furnished  at  advertising  rates. 


Its  always  the  same,  the  fellow  who 
originates  anything  or  starts  something 
new  is  generally  called  a  nut,  The  next 
fellow  comes  along  takes  his  Idea  im- 
proves on  it  and  of  course  is  a  smart  man, 


Of  Course  this  No  2  Company  used 
better  Judgement  than  the  first  one. 
This  one  waited  till  the  war  was  over 
to  Go, 


This  is  the  only  case  in  Theatrical 
History  where  the  No  2  Company  was 
better  than  the  original, 
[10] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Of  corse  I  claim  this  Manafacturer 
in  some  middle  west  town  (I  cant  seem 
to  recall  that  fellows  name)  made  one 
mistake,  There  were  people  on  his 
Boat  that  should  never  have  had  a 
return  trip  ticket, 

Through  Holland  receiving  them  is 
where  the  Kaiser  got  his  idea  of  going 
there, 

Of  course  there  was  a  lot  of  dissatis- 
faction against  the  Pres  going,  Mostly 
by  people  whom  he  did  not  take  along, 

I  was  in  favor  of  his  going  because  I 
thought  it  would  give  us  a  chance  to 
find  out  who  was  Vice  President,  But 
it  Dident, 

I  also  felt  confident  that  he  was  the 
only  man  that  could  explain  the  14  points 

In] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

We  were  especially  lucky  in  having 
him  represent  us  in  England  as  he  is 
the  only  one  we  could  have  sent  that 
spoke  good  enough  english  that  they 
could  understand, 


He  would  have  taken  a  Senator  but 
couldent  find  one  that  had  a  dress  Suit 


A  congressman  of  course  was  out  of 
the  question  He  couldent  have  eaten 
off  a  15  million  dollar  plate  He  would 
have  starved  to  death  looking  at  it, 

For  awhile  it  looked  like  Mr  Hughes 
would  get  to  go,  While  the  others  were 
signing  up  he  could  have  been  investigat- 
ing, his  report  would  have  been  ready 
the  day  before  the  next  election, 


Also  asked  a  manafacturer  from  some 
lake  town  (I  cant  think  of  that  Birds 

[12] 


The  Peace  Conference 


name)  But  he  said  "No  thank  you  one 
trip  cured  me" 


The  Sectry  of  Agriculture  was  named 
to  go  for  a  while,  It  was  thought  that 
if  we  were  fortunate  enough  to  be  as- 
signed any  loose  Islands  at  the  meeting 
He  could  immediately  advise  what  to 
plant  thereby  getting  in  a  crop  next 
year, 


MR  ROO  T  was  named  then  some  one 
happened  to  think  of  RUSSIA  and  that 
was  off, 


Wanted  BRYAN  to  go  but  nobody  knew 
where  he  was, 


I  wanted  to  go  along  as  JESTER  Pres 
Wilson  will  miss  his  comedy  when  he 
gets  awav  from  Congress, 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

I  wanted  to  represent  the  United 
Press  (the  one  that  sent  in  that  pre- 
matur  peace  report)  I  could  have  had 
them  there  before  they  started, 


See  they  took  one  Republican  with 
them,  But  I  have  never  read  any  thing 
in  the  papers  about  him  landing,  Just 
about  chucked  that  guy  overboard, 


Took  a  republican  along  to  argue 
with  on  the  way  over, 


They  will  about  make  him  Wait  on 
the  Peace  Table, 


See  where  Admiral  Dr  Grayson  stood 
his  Maiden  voyage  well, 


Mr  Creel  went  along  to  suppress  any 
SCANDAL  that  may  crop  up 
[14] 


The  Peace  Conference 


On  arriving  they  found  they  had  for- 
gotten something  after  searching  they 
found  it  was  the  Industrial  Committee, 


Now  Mr  Barney  Baruch  is  going  in 
case  we  land  a  few  Shekels,  why  Barney 
will  count  up  for  us, 


Also  Mr  Gar  field  "said  he  wasent 
going  to  stay  in  this  Country  and  FREEZE 
another  winter" 


If  they  keep  on  sending  for  them, 
Talk  about  getting  the  boys  back,  it 
will  take  a  couple  of  years  to  get  all 
these  Peace  Guys  back, 


We  may  not  have  had  as  many 
Nations  in  the  war  as  these  other 
Nations  but  we  are  going  to  Swamp 
them  at  the  Peace  Table, 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 
Col   House  was   there  to   meet  the 

Boat    in    a    listening  Capacity, 


Lot  of  men  have  fought  their  way 
into  fame  and  talked  their  way  into 
fame  but  Col  House  is  the  only  man 
that  ever  just  LISTENED  HIMSELF  IN, 


After  looking  over  Paris  the  troop 
went  to  London,  Can  you  imagine 
how  sore  these  Republicans  got  when 
they  read  about  a  Democrat  sleeping 
in  Buckingham  Palace, 


Kaiser  and  Czar  used  to  kid  King 
George  and  tell  him  he  dident  have  any 
power  He  can  get  back  at  them  now 
and  say  "No  I  havent  got  much  power 
but  I  am  still  Kinging  aint  I," 


Pres    left    London    passed    through 
Paris    got   an  earfull   from   Col  House 

f  16! 


The  Peace  Conference 


and  played  a  week  of  one  Night  stands 
through  Italy, 

He  had  a  letter  of  recomendation 
from  Caruso  so  he  met  some  of  the  best 
people  in  Italy, 

Every  time  the  Pres  wanted  applause 
in  his  speeches  in  Italy  he  would  mention 
GARIBALDI  which  sounds  same  in 
English  as  Italian, 

Belgium  wanted  to  book  him  there 
but  the  Pres  got  wise  that  they  were 
holding  so  many  Banquets  they  were 
trying  to  wear  him  out  before  the  Peace 
Feast  started, 


King  of  Italy  also  the  King  of  England 
have  agreed  with  him  up  to  now  But 
unfortunately  they  neither  one  will  be 
at  the  Peace  signing, 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

England  is  orally  in  accord  but  there 
has  been  nothing  signed, 


They  are  a  little  late  starting  as  they 
were  waiting  to  find  someone  who  knew 
what  freedom  of  the  Seas  mean, 


NOW  IF  HE  CAN  ONLY  HANDLE  THAT 
MEETING  AS  HE  DOES  CONGRESS  WE 
NEED  HAVE  NO  FEAR  OF  THE  RESULT, 

You  know  a  lot  of  people  think  he  is 
liable  to  be  too  easy  with  them  dont  you 
believe  it  he  can  be  pretty  stern  when 
he  wants  to  remember  last  fall  when 
he  sent  Germany  their  Questionaire, 
Said  GIVE  ME  YOUR  REAL  NAME 
AND  PERMANENT  ADDRESS, 


Lets  hope  the  Turkish  Deligation  dont 
bring  all  their  WIVES  or  we  never  will 
get  PEACE, 

[18] 


The  Peace  Conference 


And  lets  make  those  Russians  shave 
before  they  sign  up  we  want  to  know 
who  we  are  dealing  with, 


If  Ireland  sends  a  deligation  I  can 
hear  France  say  bring  us  back  war, 


Now  the  Pres  says  we  are  going  to 
recognize  the  CZECHO  SLOVAKS  we  may 
recognize  them  but  we  will  never 
pronounce  them, 


That  Nation  has  caused  Readers  more 
trouble  than  any  other  one  in  war, 


They  cant  make  the  Peace  terms 
much  worse  than  those  Armistace  terms 
for  they  read  like  a  2nd  mortgage, 
Party  of  the  second  part  has  no  more 
chance  than  a  Democrat  in  the  next 
Congress, 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

We  are  handicapped  at  this  meeting, 
England  and  France  both  have  their 
Prime  Ministers  there  while  BILLY 
SUNDAY  dident  go  for  us, 


Each  Nation  is  supposed  to  share  in 
the  Peace  terms  according  to  what  they 
have  done  in  the  war,  Holland  gets  the 
KAISER,  Mexico  the  CROWN  PRINCE, 


Now  the  Pres  has  to  get  back  here 
before  Mar  1st  when  the  Country  goes 
in  into  the  hands  of  the  Republicans 
or  they  are  liable  to  want  to  charge  him 
a  tarriff  to  get  in  again, 


OF  COURSE  WE  DONT  RECEIVE 
MUCH  NEWS  OF  THE  PEACE  CON- 
FERENCE. FIRST  FEW  WEEKS 
THEY  ARE  ALL  JUST  COMPLI- 
MENTING EACH  OTHER.  WAIT 
TILL  THEY  GO  TO  DIVIDE  UP 

[20] 


The  Peace  Conference 


SOMETHING.     (What   a  truth  that 
turned  out  to  be) 


Well  by  this  time  Congress  was  getting 
pretty  rough  so  Pres  W  grabbed  his 
boat  and  commuted  back  home, 

Said  I  think  I  will  land  in  BOSTON 
the  old  Pilgrim  Fathers  had  pretty  fair 
luck,  and  nobody  has  ever  landed  there 
since, 


Germany  couldent  figure  out  how 
America  could  get  troops  over  there  and 
get  them  trained  so  quick  they  dident 
know  that  in  our  manual  there  is  nothing 
about  RETREATING  and  when  you  only 
got  to  teach  an  Army  to  go  one  way 
you  can  do  it  in  half  the  time, 


I  feel  pretty  proud  over  that  last  little 
gag,  As  I  used  it  before  Pres  Wilson  in 
[21] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Washington  and  he  repeated  it  in  his 
Boston  speech,  Saying  "as  one  of  our 

AMERICAN     HUMORISTS     Says,"       Up     to 

then  I  had  only  been  an  ordinary  Rope 
thrower, 


Pretty  tough  when  the  Pres  cops  your  act, 


Pres  had  pretty  good  luck  on  that 
1st  trip  they  saw  his  14  points  and 
raised  him _-_-  _.._  more 


Says  in  there,  "There  is  to  be  no 
more  wars"  and  then  there  was  a 
Paragraph  a  little  further  down  told 
you  where  to  get  your  AMMUNITION  in 
case  there  was  one, 

Now  he  come's  back  to  Washington  to 
explain  the  LEAGUE  OF  NATIONS  to  Con- 
gress You  know  those  guys  cant  read 
anything  and  understand  it, 

[22] 


The  Peace  Conference 


But  after  eating  out  of  15  million 
dollar  Gold  Plates  and  hobnobbing  with 
Kings  and  Dukes  can  you  imagine  how 
Congress  looked  to  him  when  he  come 
back, 


Had  All  the  Senators  up  to  dinner  at 
White  House  Took  Ham  Lewis  three 
days  to  dress  for  it, 


Not    much    news   from    the    Dinner 
Burleson  copped  the  Phones, 


On  last  day  went  up  to  Capitol  to 
sign  all  the  bills  Congress  had  passed 
Well  after  he  had  signed  the  bill, 


Then  he  went  before  Congress  and 
balled  out  the  WILFUL  37,  he  was  busier 
than  Mcadoo  with  a  new  train, 

[2.3] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

HE  and  Taft  both   spoke  on  same 
stage  first  time   Pres  and  x-pres  ever 

agreed, 


I  still  wanted  to  go  along  but  he  said: 
"wait  Will  till  some  other  trip  and  I 
will  take  you," 


You  know  13  is  his  lucky  number 
if  they  dont  sign  this  up  on  this  trip  he 
knows  they  will  on  his  I3th  trip, 


You  see  Congress  got  sore  cause  he 
did  not  call  them  in  extra  session, 
You  know  the  next  Con,  is  Republican, 
Be  a  good  joke  on  them  if  he  dident  call 
them  at  all  wouldent  it, 


Back  to  Paris  to  meet  Col  House 
the  only  man  the  Pres  ever  listened 
too, 

[24] 


The  Peace  Conference 


MR  DANIELS  went  over.  First  time 
they  have  ever  taken  Josephus  any- 
where, He  will  be  allrignt  in  a  crowd, 


Made  Mr  Hoover  food  DICTATOR  for 
all  the  Allies  That  means  that  BELG 
FRANCE  and  ENG,  are  not  going  to 
get  any  more  to  eat  than  we  do, 


Conference  at  ist  gave  America  Japan 
Italy  France  5  deligates  each  and  Eng- 
land including  her  Colonies  fourteen, 
Thats  all  right  to  allow  England  for 
each  one  of  her  Foreign  Relations,  But 
they  did  not  allow  us  a  single  one  for 
Wisconsin, 


How  would  you  like  to  have  been  on  a 
committee  of  Englishman  to  inform  Ire- 
land they  dident  get  any  Deligates, 
OH  BOY, 

[25] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Finally  got  it  down  to  the  big  TEN 
now  theres  only  FOUR,  speaking  to  each 
other, 


America  dident  know  till  they  got 
over  there  that  those  European  Nations 
have  had  a  disease  for  years  called  the 
Gimmes. 


England  and  Japan  had  a  secret 
Treaty  where  England  was  to  get 
everything  south  of  the  equator  and 
Japan  everything  North,  Guess  they 
were  going  to  leave  the  equator  for 
Ireland, 


Japan  wanted  it  put  in  the  contract 
that  she  was  as  good  as  anybody  else 
If  she  admitted  it  why  put  it  in,  If  a 
man  is  a  Gentleman  he  don't  have  a  sign 
on  him  telling  it, 

[26] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Tell  Japan  we  will  recognize  them  as 
soon  as  they  recognize  China, 


Peace  Table  is  turning  out  like 
all  Banquets  the  speeches  are 
too  long, 


Everybody  at  the  Table  wants  a 
second  helping,  And  Germany  the  cook 
hasent  got  enough  to  go  around, 


They  agreed  on  one  of  the  14  points 
that  was  that  America  went  in  for 
nothing  and  expects  nothing  they  are 

all   UNANIMOUS   WE   GET   IT, 


Wanted  to  put  the  LEAGUE  of  na- 
tions in  with  Peace  Treaty,  thats  like  a 
fellow  going  into  a  store  and  the  Mer- 
chant wont  sell  him  a  Suit  unless  he 
uses  a  Gillette  Razor, 
[271 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Its  been  a  great  thing  for  these 
Senators  if  it  had  not  been  for  this  to 
knock  they  would  not  have  gotten  all 
these  Lecture  Dates, 


The  way  a  lot  Of  Senators  talk  you 
would  think  Pres  W  was  going  to  trade 
America  off  for  a  couple  of  Golf  Clubs, 


They  seem  to  think  the  Pres  took  the 
Monroe  Doctrine  in  his  pocket  and 
is  liable  to  lose  it  over  there, 


Pres  Wilson  threatened  he  would 
start  the  war  over  again,  Be  terrible 
if  they  found  out  this  war  was  fixed  and 
they  had  to  fight  it  over  again, 


They  cant  let  the  Russians  in  this 
league  or  they  would  make  a  Bush 
League  out  of  it, 

128] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Best  time  to  have  formed  this  League 
of  Nations  was  during  the  war  when  all 
these  Nations  needed  each  other, 


Everybody  is  for  something  to  pre- 
vent war,  but  they  are  afraid  it  is  like 
Prohibition  it  dont  prohibit, 


League  of  Nations  just  as  clear  as  the 
Income  Tax  blanks, 


One  thing  we  got  to  be  thankful  for 
our  Soldiers  can  win  wars  faster  than 
our  Diplomats  can  talk  us  into  them, 


Pres  Wilson  finally  got  discouraged 
at  the  stalling  and  told  them  that  if 
they  dident  hurry  up  and  do  something 
the  Americans  would  pick  up  their 
Wives  and  come  home, 
[291 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Pres    says   "JAMES    BRING    MY 
BOAT" 


They  then  got  busy  and  decided  that 
Belgium  could  try  the  Kaiser,  Belgium 
said  "how  do  we  get  him,"  Allies  said 
"thats  it  if  we  could  get  him  we 
would  try  him  ourselves," 


Some  Nations  got  so  tired  waiting 
for  Peace  they  went  back  to  fighting 
again, 


Been  working  on  this  League  of 
Nations  all  winter,  Finally  one  of  the 
deligates  said  "What  about  Peace  with 
Germany"  The  others  all  said  "thats 
right  we  never  thought  of  that," 


Went  to  call  in  Germany  and  they 
said   "Why   we   had   give   you   all   up 
[30] 


The  Peace  Conference 


thought  you  wasent  coming,    We  got 
a  better  offer  from  the  Bolsheveki" 


They  offer  us  no  indemnities 
and  no  Baths, 


If  they  ever  have  another  war  lets 
have  it  understood  before  they  start 
what  each  Nation  wants  at  the  finish, 


All  those  Nations  claim  they  were 
fighting  for  freedom,  But  of  course  a 
little  more  land  would  make  a  little 
more  Freedom, 


One  thing  about  this  League,  The 
last  war  there  were  only  10  or  15 
nations  in  it  now  if  they  all  sign  this 
they  can  all  be  in  the  next  one,  It 
wont  be  near  so  exclusive, 
[31] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Course  its  hard  to  please  everybody  Taft 
tried  that, 


If  Pres  Wilson  had  any  doubts  about 
this  League  of  Nations  being  put 
through  he  should  have  taken  some  of 
these  Prohibitionist.  They  would  have 
shown  him  how  to  get  it  through 
whether  people  wanted  it  or  not, 


France  says  they  would  have  more 
confidence  in  this  League  if  they  would 
slip  a  couple  of  Nations  in  between 
them  and  Germany, 


I  WONDER  IF  WE  QUIT  FIGHTING  TOO 
QUICK  AND  DIDENT  SIGN  PEACE  QUICK 
ENOUGH, 

Dont  get  impatient.     It  has  been  just 
this  hard  at  the  end  of  every  war  to 
try  and  prevent  another  one, 
[32] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Pres  on  his  last  voyage  home  said  the 
Monroe  Doctrine  was  fully  protected 
already  And  to  show  them  that  it 
was,  He  has  now  put  it  in, 


This  Monroe  thing  the  Republicans 
talk  so  much  of  and  know  so  little  about, 
Protects  us  against  everything  but 
VILLA. 


And  in  the  whole  History  of  America  he 
is  the  only  Nation  that  ever  attacked  us, 


Italy   says   they  will   pick   up   their 
Marbles  and  go  home 


Pres   Wilson  says  you  may   Fiumc, 
But  you  will  never  get  it, 


Today  is  Japans  day  to  threaten  to 
pack  their  kimonas  and  leave, 
[33] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Italy  bases  her  claim  on  an  old  treaty, 
She  cant  afford  to  trace  her  Treatys 
back  too  far,  //  /  remember  she  origi- 
nally was  signed  up  with  Germany, 


Pres  Wilson  certainly  used  good  judge- 
ment in  visiting  Italy  when  he  first  went 
over, 


Sectry  BAKER  has  gone  back  over  to 
France  again  think  old  Newt,  kinder 
likes  PARIS, 


They   wanted  Mcadoo   to   go   but  the 
salary  wasent  right. 


Can  you  imagine  a  guy  that  couldent 
make  a  living  out  of  all  the  jobs  he  held, 
I  would  love  to  have  just  half  what  one 
Republican  would  have  made  out  of  all 
that, 

[34] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Lot  of  Reps  dont  want  this  League 
Gag  to  pass  they  are  jealous  cause 
the  Democrats  ran  the  last  war,  And 
they  want  to  have  another  one  to  show 
how  much  better  they  could  run  one 
than  the  Democrats, 


Even  the  Big  4  seem  to  be  losing  con- 
fidence, They  have  removed  the  words 
High  Contracting  Parties,  which  ap- 
peared 418  times  in  the  original  and  now 
speak  of  it  meekly  as  members  of  the 
League, 


We  know  Pres  Wilson  had  a  lot  to  do 
with  drafting  it,  Cause  it  has  so  many 
WORDS 


Now  it  will  take  longer  to  explain  it 
than  it  did  to  write  it, 
[35] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

If  Mr  Lodge  and  Mr  Lowell  debate 
on  these  new  amendments  Boston  has 
applied  for  a  change  of  Venue, 


Only  debate  ever  held  where  both  men 
agreed, 

Pres  is  up  to  his  old  tricks  has  sent 
a  NOTE  to  Italy, 

His  appeal  to  the  Italian  People 
caused  as  much  of  a  furore  as  the  one 
to  the  voters  last  fall, 

Italy  says  they  know  Fiume  was  not 
in  their  secret  treaty  with  other  Allies 
But  its  a  nice  town  and  they  hate  to 
see  it  fall  into  bad  hands, 

Get  all  those  Nations  sore  enough  to 
start  telling  the  truth  about  each  other, 
We  will  hear  something,1 
[36] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Italy  claims  Fiume  because  there  is 
more  Italians  there  than  anybody  else, 
according  to  that  Look  whod  get  NEW 
YORK 


Japans  claims  are  sorter  novel  "They 
want  pay  for  capturing  part  of  China 
one  of  our  own  Allies" 


* 

They  have  offered  to  protect  Siberia 
if  they  have  to  stay  there  forever  to 
do  it, 


If  Japan  gets  all  her  claims  China 
will  pay  more  indemnities  than  Germany 
who  lost  the  war, 


Imagine  Japan,  Pres  Wilson,  and 
Italy,  All  talking  at  once,  Good  thing 
they  cant  understand  each  other  or  this 
Conference  would  never  have  lasted  this 
long, 

[37] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

AND     THEY     CALL     THAT    A 
PEACE    CONFERENCE, 


Guess  those  CZECHO  POLOKS  have 
gotten  their  freedom,  I  see  where  they 
are  at  war. 

Wish  I  could  find  a  man  who  had 
read  this  LEAGUE  OF  NATIONS,  And 
could  tell  which  was  the  Assembly  and 
which  was  the  Council, 

Thats  a  good  clause  in  there  "where 
any  Allied  Nation  must  give  three 
months  notice  before  it  jumps  onto  any 
other  Allied  Nation,'* 

Now  the  Women  want  to  send  Deligates, 
They  forget  this  is  a  Peace  Conference, 

See  where  the  German  Deligates  to 
the  Peace  Table  brought  their  Golf 

[38] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Clubs  We  can  see  now  how  Admiral 
Graysons  Pupil  stacks  up  against  op- 
position, 


See  where  Pres  Wilson  and  Italy  have 
compromised  on  that  town  down  there 

Italy  got  it, 


Its  kinder  new  wrinkle  in  Diplomacy, 
The  Slovaks  can  play  with  it  four  years 
till  they  begin  to  like  it,  And  then  they 
take  it  away  from  them, 


As  I  UNDERSTAND  IT  ITALY  IS  TO  HAVE 
IT  TUESDAYS  AND  SATURDAYS, 


But  they  are  going  to  build  those 
other  People  (with  that  terrible  name) 
A  little  young  town  just  as  much  like 
this  one  as  they  can,  down  the  river 
aways 

[39l 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

Guess  the  reason  they  put  a  four 
year  limit  on  it,  Was  that  they  figured 
that  would  about  cover  the  existence  of 
any  of  those  new  Nations, 


The  Idea  over  there  now  seems  to  be 
lets  get  something  ready  to  sign  up, 
Whether  its  any  good  or  not, 

See  where  Pres  Wilson  and  Japan 
compromised  on  that  CHOW  CHOW 
PLACE  JAPAN  GETS  IT, 

I  dont  know  how  much  money  In- 
demnity Japan  will  demand  from  China, 


You  know  CHINA  has  one  of  the  best 
JAPANESE  Armies  in  the  World, 

See  where  Pres  Wilson  and  England 
compromised  on  Freedom  of  the  Seas 

England  got  it, 

[40] 


The  Peace  Conference 


Italy  left  the  Conference  and  got  what 
she  wanted,  Japan  threatened  to  leave 
and  got  what  she  wanted,  If  Pres  Wil- 
son had  left  some  Republican  Senators 
would  have  gotten  what  they  wanted, 

Seems  several  Nations  were  like  Jesse 
Willard  they  wanted  to  know  what  they 
were  to  get  before  they  entered  the  Arena, 

Well  they  finally  handed  Germany  the 
Peace  terms  80  thousand  words  only 
thing  ever  written  longer  than  a  Lafol- 
lette  Speech, 

HAD  TO  BE  THAT  LONG  TO  TELL  THE 
GERMANS  WHAT  THEY  THOUGHT  OF  THEM 

Imagine  what  a  document  for  Lawers 
to  pick  flaws  in, 

Could  have  settled  the  whole  thing 
in  one  sentence,  "IF  YOU  BIRDS 

[41] 


The  Cowboy  Philosopher  on 

START  ANYTHING  AGAIN  WE 
WILL  GIVE  YOU  THE  OTHER 
BARREL," 


RUSSIA  cant  get  in  on  this  Peace 
There  is  not  enough  Paper  in  the 
World  to  print  80  thousand  Russian 
words  on, 


If  they  want  to  get  even  with  Ger- 
many they  ought  to  let  them  keep  their 
Cables  And  appoint  Burleson  to  run 
them 


/  thought  the  Armistace  terms  read 
like  a  second  Mortgage,  But  this  reads 
like  a  FORECLOSURE, 


If  Germany  ever  wants  to  go  to  war 
again  she  will  have  to  fight  with 
BEER  STEINS 

[42] 


The  Peace  Conference 


If  Germany  stops  to  read  those  80 
thousand  words  before  they  sign  them, 
We  needent  expect  Peace  to  be  signed 
for  years  yet, 


Now  Folks  with  all  this  kidding  and 
foolishness  aside,  for  I  just  say  in  here 
whatever  I  think  anybody  might  laugh 
at,  But  of  course  my  real  sentiments 
are  the  same  as  everybody  else,  any- 
thing to  prevent  war  If  He  puts  this 
thing  through  and  there  is  no  more 
wars,  His  address  will  be  WHITE 
HOUSE  WASHINGTON  D  C  till  his 
whiskers  are  as  long  as  the  Peace  Treaty 
If  it  should  be  a  Fliv,  (which  it  wont) 
Why  then  a  letter  would  reach  him  at 
ALABI  NEW  JERSEY.  So  all  Credit 
to  Pres  Wilson  it  took  some  game  Guy 
to  go  through  with  it, 


THE    END 


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